If this describes the majority of your romantic life, I want you to open up your mind a little and start looking at things a little differently from now on. First, consider this: everyone wants a perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner. For years, I probably obsessed a little too much over this part of my life. But after stumbling through one unhealthy relationship after another , I learned a very important lesson: the best way to find an amazing person is to become an amazing person.
Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself. Any time you lie about your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy. Any time you pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself , that is needy.
You can say the coolest thing or do what everyone else does, but if you do it for the wrong reason, it will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off. This is because neediness is actually a form of manipulation, and people have a keen nose for manipulative bullshit.
Think about the way you feel when someone is blatantly trying to sell you something with high-pressure, salesy tricks. It just feels wrong. Now, we all get needy at times because, of course, we do care about what others think of us. But the key here is that, at the end of the day, you should care more about what you think of yourself than what others think.
And I mean all of it. We behave in needy ways when we feel bad about ourselves. We try to use the affection and approval of others to compensate for the lack of affection and approval for ourselves. And that is another root cause of our dating problems: our inability to take care of ourselves.
