I was in my twenties and had rented a beach house with a friend for the holiday weekend. When we arose Saturday morning, I had a list a page long of things to do in the area, things we should do to make full use of our time in a great location on a long summer weekend.
First on the agenda was to rent bikes and see the area on wheels. She just said it, simply and directly. How is it so simple for you?
I remember thinking. And furthermore, how does what you want have anything to do with anything? Why are you talking about your own experience as if it matters?
And fundamentally, how are you allowed to make choices based on what you want? The idea that any woman could plan based on just her experience and what she actually wanted felt fascinating and shocking, utterly unknown, but at the same time deeply interesting and enticing. It woke up a curiosity in me that never went fully back to sleep, and with it, a deep longing to learn this for myself. For many young girls, a time comes, usually in our tweens, when we make a kind of deal with the devil.
It feels like we have to choose even if we are not aware of it between being who we really are and being liked; being real feels too dangerous as it comes with the risk of being rejected. In modern times, and more specifically, middle school, survival means emotional safety. For a tween, the need for inclusion is far stronger on a survival level than the need for authenticity. Who we are is determined by our approval ratings rather than from the inside out.
