Does it a feel like a sense of betrayal to the deceased? Is just the thought of having to start over, to put yourself out there just too overwhelming or too exhausting? Is it that the endeavor seems worthless as there will simply never EVER be someone as perfect for you as the partner you lost? And is it fair that a griever has to cope with this tremendous grief while also answering questions from family and friends about whether they plan to date again?
Just as every person is unique, so is their reaction to the losses they face. The fact is we all come from different backgrounds. Even within our own family, our experiences within that family can be so unique that we have a completely different set of morals, values, and coping mechanisms than our siblings. In the larger world, we need to think about where we were raised, what part religion played in our life, as well as so many other factors like money, education, etc.
And believe it or not, just as all of these things absolutely become part of the fabric of who you are as a person, they also contribute in every way to who you are as a griever. So instead we look to the opinions of those around us and seek validation in what they think is right for us. This idea of dating after the loss of a spouse, for most, comes much further along in their grieving process.
Not everyone! But for a lot of people I have worked with, the thoughts of dating again come after the acute and early stages of grieving have softened and subsided a bit. Perhaps this should be broken down into the not interested in dating again EVER, or the not interested in dating right now. So for right now this would apply to those who are not dating or interested in dating.
All of those things? My answer would be to tell them just that. Of course how you answer may also be determined by who is asking and how are they asking. Is it a beloved friend gently asking if you may be ready? Let these people in your life know that you love your spouse, that you are grieving your spouse, and that you simply are not ready, nor are you sure you will ever be ready to welcome another person into your life in that way. There is nothing else to say, do, or prove.
