This is the second in a series of essays by survivors of domestic violence in which they share what they wish others knew, what has helped them heal and how we can prevent violence. I grew up in love with love.
In fact, I lacked the tools to even recognize the abuse when violence became the norm in my relationship. I eventually escaped the relationship and have spent the last several years healing. But I want to help others avoid what I went through, including preteens and teens who are just beginning to explore relationships. If I had had a trusted adult to talk with, or more insight into what a healthy relationship looks like, I might have known what kind of person this young man was when he cheated on me three weeks into the relationship.
I was sixteen. We fought weekly. His compliments turned into passive-aggressive insults. I endured verbal abuse, violent bursts of anger, screaming and intimidation. After each fight, he would suddenly act like he loved me again β a cycle that is common in domestic violence and can make it difficult for survivors to see the truth or leave a relationship. I told myself I could handle it. Two years into the relationship, weekly fights became daily.
I told myself if it ever got physical, I would leave. One day, it got physical. I stayed with him for another year and a half. When I was 20, I grew exhausted of breaking promises to myself and feeling utterly worthless.
My five previous attempts to break up with my abuser were unsuccessful, but this time, I knew this break-up had to be for good. Looking back, I wish a parent, teacher, Sunday school teacher, soccer coach or really any adult, would have intervened. But no one did. She sat me down and asked me the standard clinical questions. Since leaving my abuser, I have devoted my professional life to violence prevention.
