In the first of a series in which she tests ways to find her mama coven, she goes to a speed dating event for mums. Moving cities and having a baby are two surefire ways to isolate yourself. I miss having friends and I intend to leave the house without the baby one day. After a few moments silence I quietly congratulate myself for setting the baby up in the Jolly Jumper β cats-eye flicks with liquid liner need complete quiet and intense concentration, you see.
I put the wand up to my eye and take a deep breath; it has been many, many months since I last applied make up to my face. I feel nervous and desperately want to make a good impression. I am totally excited about Mum Speed Dating! The wand hovers hesitantly above my face as I look at the deep dark bags under my eyes that no concealer seems to cover. I take a deep breath to steel myself once more. With no one else about to comfort him, I put down my tools and go to check what has happened.
My tiny boy has released a shit so big it exploded up his back and down his thighs. I sigh a big deep sigh and begin the process of cleaning him and the jolly jumper off. A great omen to start this auspicious day. After the remnants of this small poonami are tidied away, I wash up, quickly finish my makeup, put on a bra for the first time in about a year and throw on a brand new pink dress.
While I finish packing the baby bag, the baby starts howling again, this time a very hungry howl. I attempt to lift my dress and pull down my bra to give him a quick feed before we ago. Unfortunately this new dress is not in any way feeding friendly. Neither is this bra. I have to take them both off completely. I am 25 minutes late now, and instead of driving to the venue, I am sitting in the lounge in my baggy faded black knickers.
After a mad dash across town, I check myself one final time in the rear-view mirror and realise I am only wearing one earring. Perhaps the other mums will think this is a charming, quirky, totally intentional, fashion statement? Perhaps not. I take the sole earring out and quickly chuck it in my purse. I am much more nervous than I probably should be. Will I remember how to speak to others without a sing song voice?
